Barbara the Slut and Other People Read online

  The Henderchenkos got there shortly after my mom and I did, and we followed Mak outside to meet them. Mak and Andy hugged and thumped each other on the back. They looked like before-and-after pictures of the same man—the same face and the same height and roughly the same age, but Mak fat and bald and dressed like shit, and Andy thin with hair and wearing a polo shirt and khakis and a belt. If I were my mom I would have been disappointed to find out that I was dating the “before” brother and not the “after” brother, but she didn’t seem to mind. Tina was also wearing a polo shirt, with a khaki skirt and wedge sandals. She hugged me and my mom and Mak. Dylan got out of the car dressed like his parents. He didn’t look at anyone, and he ducked when Mak tried to tousle his hair. His mom made him say hi and he said it to the ground.

  Dylan was twelve and seemed like he was two or three years away from realizing that he hated his parents. For now, though, he liked to sit as close to his mom as possible, and other than that his only hobbies were whining and watching anime. He had this weird energy that clearly came from the shows, like he was playing out the action sequences in his head at all times—cartoon creatures battling in midair, crashing into each other and throwing balls of fire, set to ominous music and slow-motion flashes and explosions.

  The Henderchenkos toured the house and confirmed that Dylan would be sleeping with his parents by putting all of their suitcases in the room with the queen bed and the twin bed. Then Tina declared that the women needed to go shopping. Mak had gone to the store, but he had only bought beer, a loaf of bread, a pound of lunch meat, and a box of donuts.

  I went with Tina and my mom, and on the way to the store they agreed that the house had been grossly misrepresented on the website, and talked about what the weather was supposed to do all week. My mom was using her polite voice, which she reserves for people in the service industry, my friends’ and Noah’s friends’ moms, and her own mother, from whom she’s been estranged for most of her life. I had never wondered if my mom and Tina were friends, but now I understood that they weren’t. I was worried that I was going to have to follow them through the store, listening to them talk politely about food, but when we got there they decided to split up.

  “Can I take Natalie?” Tina asked my mom. “I haven’t seen her in so long.” She put her arm around me.

  “Sure,” said my mom. “I’ll meet you guys up front.”

  Tina started in fruits and vegetables. “So,” she said, “how’s school?”

  “It’s fine,” I said.

  “You’re majoring in international relations?”

  “I don’t know yet,” I said. “I don’t have to decide until next year.”

  “The sooner you decide, the better,” she said. “You should be looking for internships for next summer.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “I heard you have a boyfriend,” she said.

  “Sort of,” I said. “I’m trying to break up with him.”

  “Oh no!” she said. “Why?”

  “He’s very serious about me. Very, very serious.”

  “But that’s a good thing,” said Tina.

  “Yeah?” I said.

  “Yeah,” she said.

  “Maybe,” I said.

  “Well I obviously don’t know this guy,” she said. “But you need to think strategically, Natalie. You need to find a good man in college, because after that all you’ll find is bums.”

  Maybe she was right, but I would rather be single for the rest of my life than be with James.

  • • •

  That night the grown-ups got drunk. Noah went for another “walk” with Petey, and I spent the night reading in bed. Around midnight I went downstairs for a glass of water and found the four of them plastered. Tina told me how much she and Andy loved me and how smart I was and how pretty I was. Mak told me he would love me more if I played golf or really any sport. My mom kissed me good night and sat back down with her arms around Mak.

  Early the next morning I woke up to someone starting a racing car. I lay there for a moment trying to block out the noise, but it was too loud. Noah had come home at some point and was fast asleep with pink earplugs in. Petey was awake and looking out the window and wagging his tail. I opened the bedroom door at the same time my mom opened hers. Petey jumped on her.

  “I think that’s my car,” I said.

  “No shit,” she said.

  We went downstairs and out to the porch. Mak had jumper cables between his car and mine, and was trying to start them both.

  “Honey!” my mom yelled over the noise. “What the fuck are you doing?”

  Mak turned off my car. He looked very hungover or possibly still drunk. He was wearing golf shorts and a wifebeater.

  “My car is dead,” he said.

  “You hear that noise, right?” said my mom.

  “Yeah,” said Mak.

  “You remember that the muffler fell off?”

  “Yeah,” said Mak.

  “Okay. Well. Why don’t you take her car and drop it off at the place near the golf course?”

  “Fine,” said Mak.

  “No!” I said. “He’s drunk, he’ll crash it.”

  “If he did he would be doing you a favor,” said my mom.

  Mak transferred his golf bag to the trunk of my car.

  “Ugh,” I said.

  Mak started my car and backed out and drove away. I was pretty sure the whole island was awake now.

  “Don’t even ask,” said my mom.

  We went upstairs and back to bed.

  When I got back up the women and the boys were eating breakfast. Tina and Dylan Henderchenko were eating fruit, and my mom and my brother were eating Lucky Charms. Dylan had clearly been crying at some point in the last ten minutes.

  “What’s up?” I said.

  “Not a whole lot,” said my brother.

  I poured myself a bowl of Lucky Charms and sat down.

  Dylan started crying. “How come she gets to eat them?” he howled.

  My mom looked at me and rolled her eyes. “What’s up is Tina and Dylan are going to the amusement park, Noah is going on a hike with Petey, Mak is still golfing, and Andy is going to take a rest day.”

  A couple of summers ago, my mom started letting Noah take hikes instead of going to the beach. Not coincidentally, that was the year he turned thirteen and started smoking weed. My mom and Mak knew what he was doing, but they didn’t care. My mom had been a pothead in high school and Mak still smoked, and they thought it was better than drinking. At first they said he couldn’t do it in the house, and on cold nights my brother would put a sweatshirt on Petey, put a parka, a ski mask, and goggles on himself, and they would go for walks. The second winter Noah started smoking in his room, and I didn’t know whether he thought nobody noticed or he just didn’t care.

  “Can I go on the hike with Noah and Petey?” said Dylan.

  “No,” said Tina.

  “Why not?” he said.

  “Uh,” said Tina and looked at my mom.

  “I don’t want to go to the amusement park,” he said.

  He said it so sincerely that I almost felt bad for him.

  “Well,” said Tina. “I’m sure Noah doesn’t want you to tag along.”

  “I don’t mind,” said Noah.

  “I guess I could go with you guys,” said Tina.

  “No!” said Dylan. “Noah gets to go by himself!”

  “Noah is sixteen,” said Tina. “You’re twelve.”

  “I’m almost thirteen,” said Dylan.

  “You turned twelve last month,” said Tina. “Let me think about this.”

  “It’s obviously not my call,” said my mom, “but I know Noah would take good care of him and not do anything stupid. Right, honey?”

  “Yeah,” said Noah.

  Dylan lunged at his mom with his hands together, begging.

  “I’ll talk to your father,” said Tina. She turned to my mom. “If the kids go hiking, we could get mani-pedis.”

&n
bsp; “I would love to, but I just got one,” said my mom.

  “We could get lunch,” said Tina.

  “I promised Natalie I would go to the beach with her,” said my mom. “Maybe another day?”

  • • •

  While Tina and Andy deliberated, Noah went out for a short walk, my mom packed lunches for everyone, and I went upstairs to put on my bathing suit. Dylan watched a show in the living room. Apparently he was usually allowed to watch one show a day, but since it was vacation he was allowed to watch two. I walked through the living room and Dylan screamed at me.

  “You made me miss a part!” he said. “Now I have to rewind it and watch it again!”

  “Okay,” I said. “Sorry.”

  From what I could tell, he watched a lot more than two shows a day. The night before, I heard him watching on a computer in his room. His parents didn’t seem to notice. They thought he was the smartest kid ever. I didn’t think he was that smart, but he was probably too smart to be trusted. If he were my kid, I would never have let him out of my sight. Best case, he would watch anime until he had a seizure, worst case, who knows.

  Finally Tina came downstairs with a verdict. Dylan could go on the hike with Noah for a maximum of four hours. Every hour, on the hour, he would call Tina to check in. He would take Andy’s cell phone. When the four hours were up, the boys would come back to the house. On their way back they could stop at the convenience store to get a snack, but they had to come home to eat it, no loitering.

  Dylan was flying around the room, not hearing the instructions. Tina had to sit him down and repeat them.

  “I really think they’ll be okay.” My mom stared at Noah.

  “We’ll be fine,” said Noah.

  The boys left for the park, Tina left for town, and my mom and I left for the beach.

  “Tina will never speak to me again if Noah gives Dylan weed,” said my mom.

  “He won’t,” I said.

  “That kid could really use some weed,” she said.

  “Maybe, but Noah isn’t going to give it to him,” I said.

  • • •

  We lay on the beach and my mom read and I listened to music. I liked to listen to one song on repeat, and for the past week or so I had been listening to this song from the seventies.

  My mom went in the water and then sat on my back. “What’re you listening to?”

  “This song called ‘I’ve Never Been to Me,’” I said.

  “I know that song,” she said.

  “You do?” I said.

  “Yeah, the one about not having kids?”

  “No, it’s about traveling.”

  “No, it’s about not having kids. The singer regrets all of her sleeping around and traveling around and stuff.”

  “Are you sure?” I said.

  “You’re the one listening to it,” she said. “Why don’t you listen to the lyrics?”

  “I am, it’s all these names of places.”

  “Nat, I know that song. It was popular when I was in college. All my girlfriends hated it.”

  I listened a few more times and decided I still wanted it to be about traveling. I wanted to break up with James and go to any of the faraway places in the song: Monte Carlo, Nice, the Isle of Greece.

  • • •

  I met James my first week of college, and we dated all last year. I stopped liking him a little bit over winter break, when he called every day and I started dreading his calls. When we were at school I didn’t mind hanging out with him every day, and every night for that matter. I had sort of had boyfriends in high school, but none who wanted to hang out with me day and night, and none who left me little notes, and none who really, really liked going down on me. I guess there were some red flags, but I didn’t know what “red flags” were at the time, and my mom had to tell me what that term meant. The hanging out all the time was probably a red flag, as were the little notes, as was the fact that I would fall asleep while he was going down on me and he would just keep going. Anyway, I didn’t get sick of any of that until winter break, and then he wouldn’t stop calling, and suddenly I got sick of all of it at the same time. But when we got back to school he was so nice and I didn’t really know anybody else, so I didn’t break up with him but I made a lot of rules. We were only allowed to hang out every other day, and we were only allowed to spend the night every other time we hung out. I got the timing for this rule from my bathing rule as a kid—I had to take a bath every other day and wash my hair every other bath. As a kid it seemed like more than enough hair washing, and in college it seemed like more than enough James.

  James didn’t do well with the rules, so I had to make more rules—no surprising me outside of my classes on the days we weren’t supposed to hang out, and then no surprising me even on the days we were supposed to hang out. Then no surprising me with my favorite breakfasts from the dining hall when I was on my way out of my dorm. And then no surprising me at all, for any reason.

  Basically, my first year of college was a total bust. I didn’t make any friends, and I didn’t do well in any of my classes, and I didn’t learn anything about life. All I did was date James. And by the end of the year I didn’t even want to do that. I told James we could talk on the phone over the summer, but that I was going to be busy and I wasn’t going to be able to visit or talk every day or even every other day, due to the being busy. He seemed fine with that and every time we talked he said he couldn’t wait to see me in the fall. He also sent me notes and presents, including an Entenmann’s coffee cake that I love, overnighted, like they don’t have those where I live. After a month of this I couldn’t take it anymore, and I came up with the plan of breaking up with him on the way to Emerald Isle in August. Then I waited for weeks and weeks, and here we were, lying on the beach, vacation ruined. I felt better than I had in the car when the muffler first fell off, but this was supposed to be the first week of the rest of my life, when things were going to start getting better.

  “I’m gonna go jump in,” I said.

  “Want me to come with you?” said my mom.

  “That’s okay,” I said. I waded into the cold water and then dove. I swam along the sand for a few minutes and then floated on my back. The water felt good and I felt completely empty, my stomach and my brain, like I didn’t have any thoughts at all.

  Eventually my mom got in the water and got her head wet, and I followed her back to our towels and lay down. My mom handed me a sandwich and a beer, and we ate our lunch. When I was done I went to sleep, and I woke up under a beach umbrella and next to Mak’s big belly.

  “You were going to get a real bad burn,” he said. “You were out like a drunk. Drooling, the whole nine yards.”

  “Thanks for the umbrella,” I said.

  My mom came up from the water and straddled Mak on the chair and shook her hair all over him. He wrapped his arms around her waist and bit her shoulder.

  “Get a room,” I said.

  They ignored me and eventually my mom got off of him and lay down on her towel.

  “I took your car in,” said Mak.

  “I know,” I said, “thank you.”

  “It does not look good,” he said.

  “What?” I said. “Why not?”

  “They said it never would’ve passed inspection in the state of North Carolina. Bottom is rusted out, holed out, nothing for the muffler to hang on to.”

  “North Carolina sucks,” I said.

  “Well if it makes you feel any better, wouldn’t have passed inspection in the state of Virginia or the state of anywhere else either.”

  “We’ll work something out, honey,” said my mom.

  “I’m going to Raleigh no matter what,” I said.

  “Fine,” said my mom.

  “I will crawl there if I have to.”

  “We’ll get you there,” said my mom.

  I checked my phone and had eleven missed calls from Noah. My mom took my phone and called him back. She repeated everything to me and Mak—“Dyla
n got caught shoplifting . . . a lighter . . . a Zippo . . . Tina is picking them up.” We got our stuff together and walked back to the house and waited for them. I was kind of excited. I was pretty sure this was going to be a shit show.

  When Tina’s car pulled in, both boys and the dog were in the backseat. When they all got out Tina looked furious, Dylan was crying, Noah looked tired, and Petey looked happy that everybody was together.

  “I think we all need to have a conversation,” Tina said to my mom.

  “Okay,” said my mom.

  I decided I wasn’t included in “we all” and stayed outside with Petey. I watched Noah follow everybody inside and felt bad for him.

  I sat under the front windows on the dining room side, where I would be able to hear them. If it had been my mom leading the investigation she would have led everyone to the couches in the living room, but I knew Tina would lead everyone to the table.

  “Andy!” I heard Tina yelling. “We’re here! Come down!”

  “Tina,” Andy said, already downstairs. “Please, don’t yell.”

  “Somebody has to yell,” she said.

  “Okay,” he said. A chair dragged on the floor.

  “Dylan, do you want to tell us what happened?” said Tina.

  “It’s not my fault,” Dylan sobbed.

  “What happened?” said Andy.

  Dylan cried harder. “Noah took things!” he said.

  “Is that true?” said my mom.

  “No,” said Noah. “Well, I took matches.”

  “You did?” said Tina.

  “Matches are free,” said my mom.

  “But not for kids,” said Tina.

  “It’s not shoplifting,” said my mom.

  “Why would anyone take matches in front of a little kid?” said Tina.

  “I’m not a little kid!” said Dylan.

  “I didn’t even think about it,” said Noah. “I always put some in my pocket.”

  “How is Dylan supposed to know the difference between matches and a lighter?” said Tina. “Dylan, did you know that you weren’t supposed to take the lighter?”

  “No,” he wailed. “I didn’t know!”

  I kept waiting for one of the men to say something. An elderly couple walked by very slowly. The woman was holding the man’s arm and it looked like the man couldn’t see very well or at all. Petey wagged his tail and I waved, and the woman waved back.