Barbara the Slut and Other People Read online

  “It seems like everyone did something wrong here,” said Tina through the window. “We shouldn’t have let them go out on their own. Noah shouldn’t have taken the matches. Dylan shouldn’t have taken the lighter. Andy?”

  “Hold on,” said my mom. “Noah taking the matches didn’t mean Dylan had to take the lighter.”

  “Dylan was clearly influenced by Noah’s actions,” said Tina. “Andy!”

  “I agree,” said Andy.

  “Noah didn’t do anything wrong,” said my mom.

  “He shouldn’t be taking matches,” said Tina.

  “That’s not your problem,” said Mak.

  “It’s my problem now,” said Tina. “Isn’t it?”

  “No, it’s not,” said Mak. “Dylan is your problem, Noah is our problem.”

  “Noah’s not a problem,” said my mom.

  “You know what I mean,” said Mak.

  “Well, Dylan’s never been a problem before today,” said Tina.

  Someone snorted.

  “Fuck you, Mak,” said Andy.

  “Okay, boys, you can be excused,” said Tina. “Dylan, go to our room and wait for us to come up.”

  Noah must have made a gesture, because my mom said, “Yeah, honey.”

  I heard Dylan and Noah go up the creaky stairs, and then heard one of them come back down. Noah came outside and I crawled out from under the window. He pointed to the road with his thumb, and Petey and I followed him. We could hear the grown-ups raising their voices as we walked away.

  “You hear all that?” he said.

  “Yeah,” I said. “I hate that kid.”

  “He’s okay,” said Noah. “It’s not his fault.”

  “It’s not his fault that he sucks?”

  Noah laughed. “Yeah.”

  “You really think he didn’t know not to take it?”

  “Oh he knew,” said Noah. “He came running out with this crazy look on his face, and then when he realized the guy was behind him he tried to make a run for it.”

  “Oh shit.”

  “Yeah.”

  “Why didn’t you tell them that?”

  “Wouldn’t have helped,” he said.

  When we got to the park Petey ran ahead, wagging his whole body. Noah lit his joint. He passed it to me and I took a hit. I almost never smoked anymore and it caught me in the throat. Noah laughed.

  “Mom and Mak stood up for you,” I said.

  “Yeah,” he said.

  The second hit wasn’t as bad, and by the end of the joint I was used to it again. Maybe I would have been happier if I smoked more weed. Everything slowed down in a way that was very relaxing. In high school Noah would sometimes talk me into smoking with him at night, or on the way to school in the morning. Whenever we smoked before my precalculus class, I felt smart. I still wouldn’t know what the numbers meant, but the board would seem organized, and the numbers would seem independent from each other, like they were each doing their own job. On those mornings I wondered if I was going to solve some problem that nobody else had ever solved in the whole history of math.

  • • •

  When we got back the sun was setting. My mom and Mak met us in the yard and said we were going out for pizza. Mak got in the driver’s seat and we all got in the car.

  “I’m really sorry,” said Noah.

  “It’s okay, honey,” said my mom. She reached back and patted him on the leg. “It’s not about you.”

  At the pizza place no one knew what to say, so Mak gave my mom, and by default us, a play-by-play of his game that morning. Usually my mom shut him down as soon as he started talking about golf, but tonight she was asking questions and nodding.

  On the way back to the house, my mom turned around to face us. “I was thinking maybe we should head out tomorrow,” she said. “Nat, we could pick up your car and stop at James’s on the way home.”

  “We’ve only been here for one day,” I said.

  “I thought you were dying to break up with him,” said my mom.

  “I am,” I said. “But you guys don’t have to come.”

  “I want to,” said my mom. “I’ll feel more comfortable being in the car with you, if something goes wrong. And I think Noah is ready to go.”

  “I am,” said Noah.

  “What about Mak?” I said.

  “I’ll stay,” said Mak. “Keep up appearances.”

  “And play golf,” said my mom.

  “That’s another consideration,” said Mak.

  I texted James to say I was going to stop by the next day.

  • • •

  Back at the house, the Henderchenkos were in their bedroom. We went to bed quietly.

  I woke up to Noah squeezing my wrist.

  “I’m going to go watch the sunrise,” he said.

  “What?” I said.

  “You should watch it with me,” he said. “It will make you feel better.”

  I made myself wake up and we took our blankets and pillows off our beds and walked to the beach. We lay down on one blanket and put the other one over us. Petey lay down on top, with his butt on me and his head on Noah.

  Soon there was the faintest glow at the end of the water. I propped myself up on my elbows. The sun came up slowly and then quickly. And Noah was right, it did make me feel a little bit better.

  We watched until the sun took its place in the sky.

  When we got back to the house, Mak was putting his golf clubs in his trunk.

  “What are you two doing now?” Mak said.

  “We watched the sunrise,” I said.

  “Deep,” said Mak. “How’d you wake up in time?”

  “I didn’t go to sleep,” said Noah.

  “You didn’t?” I said.

  “Genius,” said Mak. “Listen, y’all want to get some breakfast? We can get donuts and I’ll take you to get your car, Nat.”

  I got in the passenger seat and Noah and Petey got in the backseat. Noah went to sleep immediately. He couldn’t get up when we got to the donut place so we got him his two favorites and put the bag on the floor in front of him. When Mak and I were done with our donuts, he said we had some time to kill until the car place opened, and that it was the perfect amount of time for a round of pitch and putt. I wanted to resist but it was too early in the morning.

  When we got there we took Petey with us and left Noah in the car. The course was thick with fog. On my first hit I almost made it to the green.

  “Not bad, Fat Nat,” said Mak.

  My mom didn’t let him call me that, but I didn’t mind because I wasn’t fat and he was. On my next hit I almost made it to the hole. Mak told me to sink it in, so I did.

  “Par!” he yelled.

  I pretended like I didn’t care, but my heart leapt. I wondered if it was possible that I was suddenly good at golf.

  On the way to the next hole I asked Mak if we ruined the vacation.

  “No,” he said. “Not for me, anyway.”

  When we got to the next hole I missed the ball twice and then hit it about fifteen feet.

  “Ooh,” said Mak.

  It took me like nine hits to get the ball up onto the green.

  “Thanks for sticking up for Noah,” I said.

  “He didn’t steal anything,” said Mak.

  On my twelfth or thirteenth hit I got the ball in the hole.

  “Honestly, that kid’s a little piece of shit,” said Mak. “I mean, he’s my nephew, I love him. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t trade him for another one if I could.”

  “Mak!”

  “What?”

  At the next hole Mak told me to hit down on the ball, but I missed and hit the ground so hard it sent vibrations to my brain, and made Petey jump.

  “Christ, Nat,” said Mak.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “So, this boyfriend of yours,” he said while I swung again.

  “Soon to be ex-boyfriend,” I said.

  “Right,” he said.

  “I feel bad,” I said. “H
e didn’t do anything wrong.”

  “Yes he did,” said Mak. “He was boring as hell.”

  “Shit, Mak,” I said. “Thanks for telling me now.”

  “What?” he said. “You gotta learn these things. You gotta learn them the hard way, otherwise you don’t learn them at all.”

  I hit my ball halfway down the fairway and he hit his to the green.

  “You need a man who knows how to deal with you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?” I said.

  “You and your mom,” he said, “you two are real firecrackers. You need men who know how to set you off.”

  “Why would I want to be set off?” I said.

  “Because if you’re not you’re bored out of your mind.”

  “I don’t know,” I said.

  We played the rest of the holes almost in silence, except for Mak trying to give me pointers on my game.

  When we finished the ninth hole he said, “You’re getting real good.”

  “Really?” I said.

  “No, not really,” he said.

  • • •

  Noah was fast asleep in the backseat, but there was icing on his mouth. Petey licked him and he stirred. We drove to the car place.

  “I got ’er up and running,” said the car guy.

  “Will she make it to Virginia?” said Mak.

  “Maybe,” said the guy, “but not more. Never would’ve passed inspection in the state of North Carolina.”

  “I heard,” I said.

  “The bottom of the car is rusted out. You got a hole in the back where the muffler was, and pretty soon you’re gonna have some holes in the cab. This floor is gonna crumble.”

  “Is that safe?” said Mak.

  “No, sir,” said the mechanic. “Car has a floor for a reason.”

  • • •

  The car seemed fine to me. Mak followed me back to the house. When we got there my mom had packed up our stuff, and we loaded it into the car and transferred Noah and Petey to my backseat. Tina came out to say good-bye to me and my mom. She said she didn’t want to wake up Andy and Dylan, but that they said bye. She gave us both hugs, like she wasn’t having a huge fight with my mom.

  When we crossed the bridge I asked my mom if we were ever going back.

  “We’ll see,” she said.

  My mom and Noah slept most of the way to Raleigh, but when we got close my mom woke up and asked me if I was nervous.

  “I guess,” I said.

  “I’m proud of you,” she said.

  “Why?” I said.

  “Because it’s easy to stay in a relationship that’s not bad but not good,” she said.

  I wondered what relationship she was thinking of. Obviously not her and Mak, which was gross but definitely good. Maybe she meant her and my dad. Or Tina and Andy.

  “Like Tina and Andy?” I said.

  “Ha!” said my mom. “Oh god, sweetie, you couldn’t end up like Tina and Andy if you tried.”

  We stopped at a mall in Raleigh and woke Noah up. My mom went inside and Noah and Petey disappeared into the trees on the other side of the parking lot.

  • • •

  I drove up the highway feeling jittery. I couldn’t wait to get there, but I had no idea what would happen when I did. I tried to imagine some best-case scenarios. Maybe he had another girlfriend already. Maybe she liked surprises, but he didn’t even need to surprise her because they were always together. Maybe James sent me the coffee cake out of cheater guilt.

  Or maybe he would come out to me. For this scenario I ignored his great love of the female body, and concentrated on his sensitivity and his strong commitment to feminism. If he was gay he would want to stay friends, but I thought it might be too late for that. I was so sick of him.

  I tried not to let myself think about one other scenario, but it had occurred to me at some point in the last few weeks, and had been creeping into my thoughts ever since. I didn’t want James to die, but if I got to his house and he had been in a terrible accident, or had succumbed to a brief but devastating illness, I would be off the hook. Not only would I be off the hook, I would be like a girlfriend-widow.

  When I got there, James’s parents were in the driveway and they gave me hugs and got into their van and drove away. I wondered how they knew what I was about to do.

  James looked happy to see me. He also looked monogamous, straight, and alive. He gave me a big hug and a kiss and he went back in to get the lemonade he had made from scratch. I sat down on the wicker couch on the porch.

  “I’m so happy to see you,” he said when he came back. He sat next to me.

  “Uh,” I said.

  His face fell a little.

  “We need to talk.”

  His face fell the rest of the way.

  “I don’t think I want to be together anymore,” I said. “I’m sorry.”

  “What happened?” he said. “What changed?”

  “Nothing changed,” I said. “I just want something else.”

  “There’s someone else?” he said.

  “No, I want something else. From my life.”

  “What else do you want?” he said.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “But don’t you want something else too? Something different?”

  “No,” he said.

  “I think this will be better for you,” I said. “You’ll find a better girlfriend.”

  “No I won’t.”

  We sat there for a minute that felt like a year. Finally the effort of keeping my eyes open made one of them water.

  James looked at me and then put his arm around me and tried to guide my head to his shoulder. I realized he thought I was crying so I put my head down, even though that was the number one last thing I wanted to do. He wrapped his arms around me, and we sat like that forever.

  Finally he let go and said, “We don’t have to make a decision right now.”

  “But I already made a decision.” That sounded bad so I added, “I’m really sad about it, though.”

  Now he put his head on my shoulder and started to cry. I patted him on the leg. Soon, but not soon enough, his parents came back, saw him crying, gave me a look of death, and went inside.

  “I guess your parents hate me now,” I said.

  “No they don’t,” he said. “I will never hate you.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I guess I should get back on the road.”

  James walked me to my car and gave me a very long hug that involved swaying from side to side. When he let me go I got in the car, and I felt something give under my right foot. I shut the door and looked under the mat, where there was now a hole that I could see his driveway through. I thought I would have more time before the floor crumbled. I rolled down the window.

  “Is your car okay?” he said.

  “Yup,” I said, “great.”

  “I’ll see you in September,” he said.

  “Yup,” I said, hoping that he wouldn’t. “I’m sorry again.”

  He didn’t say anything. I backed out and was about to pull away when he yelled, “Wait!” He pointed to a spot on the blacktop. “Did that just fall off your car?”

  “Nope,” I yelled. “I don’t think so.” I waved and pulled away.

  • • •

  Driving back to the mall I thought I would feel electrified or something, but instead I felt calm. When I got there, I pulled into the parking lot and called my mom and Noah. My mom came out of the mall.

  “Mission accomplished?” she said.

  “Mission accomplished,” I said.

  Noah and Petey came out of the trees and got in.

  We headed toward Charlottesville. The sound of the road tore through the hole in the floor and filled up the car.

  DESERT HEARTS

  When I moved to San Francisco with my fiancé, he started practicing law and I started selling toys. I was supposed to start practicing law too, but I didn’t have the heart. I almost didn’t even have the heart to take the bar, but I found it wh
en my dad threatened to cut me off. And then he cut me off right afterward anyway, because he said it was time to get a job, and if I didn’t want either of the jobs he had found for me, I was on my goddamn own.

  I did apply to two law firms in San Francisco but I got rejected from both of them. Actually, rejected would mean they considered me, which there was no evidence of them doing. So now my job search strategy was to look for Help Wanted signs in windows, which would have given my dad an aneurysm, and which concerned my fiancé. Danny gently suggested that I stay home until I could think of something I actually wanted to do and apply for it. But I couldn’t think of anything I actually wanted to do.

  I applied to some restaurants and some stores, but they all wanted someone with experience. And I didn’t have any experience except working at my dad’s firm in high school, another, bigger firm in college, and another, bigger firm in law school. My dad’s firm and the last firm were the two that had made me offers, but they were both in Los Angeles and Danny’s offer was in San Francisco, and since I didn’t care at all and Danny cared a lot, we went to San Francisco.

  I tried to look for small stores that didn’t require folding T-shirts or any other special skills, and that looked like they might not have a lot of customers. One day I went out and applied to two movie stores in our neighborhood, where both of the managers were teenagers. Then I applied to a bagel store where all I would have to do was work the register. No putting cream cheese on bagels, because I needed training for that. Then I rode my bike to Dolores Park and walked around. Near the park I saw a Help Wanted sign in the window of an adult toy store called Desert Hearts. I went in thinking I would look around and then talk to someone, but the store was about ten feet by fifteen feet, and there was only one person there, so I had to talk to her right away. She was maybe sixty and she had short hair and a rat tail.

  “Hi, can I help you?” she said.

  “I was wondering if you guys are still hiring,” I said.

  “Oh,” she said. “Yes we are. Are you, uh, lesbian?”

  I looked around and took note of the wall of dildos.

  “Yeah,” I said, “I am.” I gave her my biggest smile.

  “Oh,” she said, “great. Well, I’m just filling in here, but I know they’re looking for someone full-time. The manager works at our store in the Castro. Ask for Chad.”